Put Your Hands Together

Just a quick rant before I get started. I’d like to issue a warning. The pavement pervs have up-ed their game. On my way to the Doctor’s at 10.00 on a Wednesday morning with the sun shining and the birds singing I was walking behind two guys who I would guess to be Iranian. They looked over their shoulder a couple of times and I thought nothing of it. Then one turned around and ‘jokingly’ pretended to jack off onto me!!

I am not telling porkies. That is what happened. I was, for possibly one of the first times in my life, speechless. I stopped and stared with my mouth open. In hindsight this probably just added to the effect for both him and the onlookers. He finished his action cheerily and continued on his way laughing with his friend.

Is nothing sacred??

Right back to the more pressing business of the most un-romantic public act ever (not including the act above). I was shocked by Prince William’s pre-proposal announcement in the papers. Well I say shocked… it was more the wearied resignation of the un-shockable. I’ve spoken to girls on the subject of proposal’s and indeed do know people who have organised the date on which their other-half is to pop the question, but never have I met anyone who says that from an early age (or indeed any age) they have dreamt of their engagement being announced in the papers three years before it actually happened. Is romance dead? Is every secret pleasure of our relationships to be formalised and aired in public? 

It seems that those in the public eye seem to get married to people they’ve seen a couple of times in a music video and eaten a few meals with. Marital problems get dragged through the papers and engagements are pre-planned. I suppose I can’t really comment as I am an avid reader of celebrity gossip. But to be honest there are some things I wish I didn’t know and I’d rather hear about Kate and William’s engagement the day after it had happened rather than over a thousand days before. 

There is one bonus however. Kate gets to ensure she has the loveliest little mitts in town. I’d recommend a manicure to anyone. They are soothing and slightly decadent but also get something done which is quite frankly pretty dull. Princess Nails have never let me down and for £12 you get your nails shaped, your hands moisturised and rubbed and colour applied. However if, like me, your cash flow is but a dribble, spending any money on something which you can do yourself for free is not an option.

Firstly I get the creepy bit out of the way. I haven’t tried any cuticle removing creams but these are available at some chemists (definitely Boots and Superdrug). If you don’t want the cream then just soak your hands in warm water for a few minutes and then either using clippers or your preferred device .gently remove the cuticles. Sounds very obvious reading it but 90% of the women I’ve spoken to are a little screamish about their cuticles. Believe me its not as bad as you think.

Absolute Aromas Organic Sweet Almond Oil and salt is an amazing exfoliating and moisturising treatment. It is exactly how it sounds. Just pour the almond oil into your palm and add some salt (with big crystals) and get rubbing. Then rinse. I do this after I remove my nail varnish – I usually use nail varnish remover on my nails even when I haven’t worn nail varnish for a while. It gets off any leftovers and will remove anything else not noticeable to the human eye. I recommend Quickies Nail Varnish Remover Pads with Vitamin B5. You can do all your nails with one pad (unless you are being a red-nailed vixen – that stuff gets everywhere you need to bathe in nail varnish remover) and they don’t dry out your nails so much. All nail varnish remover is stringent though so always wash your hands and moisturise after. 

All-in-one nail buffers and polishers are great and last for years. I keep one in my handbag just in case I have time to buff-on-the-go. You can get them in pretty much any big chemist now, definitely Boots and Superdrug for about £2. I also carry around a nail file and have some strategically placed around the house and my office (there is one stashed in the loos). These you can also pick up anywhere. Claire’s Accessories and Boots do fun ones for around £1. Never underestimate the power of the nail file. I hardly ever cut my nails anymore it’s much easier just to re-shape every now and again. To clip or to scissor is a personal preference. I clip Mr J amongst others cut. I’m assuming that this is because I’m constantly trying to keep my nails at a decent length rather than practically short so I need less precision. 

I have to admit that 50% of the time when buying nail varnishes I don’t like the colour when I get home. It never looks the same as it does in the bottle and it takes a trained eye to know what it will actually come out like. You are pretty safe with reds but pink is danger territory. There is only one person who I trust to pick out my nail varnish, the Mumma B, and 2 out of my top 3 colours come from her choosing. She can match colour to skin tone and see what the colour will look like on (I can hear her denying all knowledge of this ability but I hope that secretly she knows it’s true). She also taught me to always put a base coat on, an often overlooked trick of vital importance, this protects the nail and stops it from turning yellow. It is also essential to put on a top coat as this will take most of the bumps without chipping the colour. But what goes in-between? There are so many colours out there and everyone has different nail and skin tone and many different preferences in polish colour but I’ve picked my top three which I think would suit most people:

1. Courtesy of Santa last year (another Mumma B choice) Maybelline New York Express Finish Shock Control its impossible to tell from my bottle what the colour is but Pearly Pink looks a slightly lighter version.
2. Rimmel Lycra Wear in 325 Hot Gossip is a great deep red. It has a little sparkle in it so it’s not too much of a flat colour. So far this is the closest I’ve got to the perfect red nail varnish. This is really hardwearing especially after two coats.
3. My favourite another Mumma B purchase is Rimmel’s Lycra Wear in 307 Grape Sorbet. She bought me this nail varnish when I said I was doubtful of the colour. We got home and it’s been on my toe nails ever since.

Hope this helps keep those hands looking beautiful and rings slipping onto fingers. And for those of you who’ve already got your diamonds – don’t let them down! xx